This week was a breakdown. Majorly. I had it coming from all angles, I just didn't feel it. I can say it was because my confidence was shaken, but I don't really think that was it. Honestly, I started second guessing myself and got into my own head.
And, that leads me to my run on Wednesday. Pitiful. I had already missed my first run of the week (a 7 miler) and had to push myself out the door that day. Something happened though in the middle of the run. I slowed to a walk and started to think. {Note to self: Don't think deeply in the midst of marathon training.}
When I started thinking about why I made the decision to train for this thing, it really came down to two things. First, I wanted to see if I could do it. (Won't know that until 10/19.) And second, I wanted to burn the calories and shed some weight. Well, this week, I officially weighed in at more than I started the whole darned thing. By 5 pounds or more. I got down deeper inside my own head...
"You've already missed your goal, Sara. If you only did this to lose weight, then what's going to get you through to that finish line?"
It reminded me of when I went into labor with Jack. Walking the halls of the hospital, before I was even admitted, I looked at Tom and said, "I don't think I can do this without an epidural again." He looked at me and said, "Tell me about why you want to do it without one." I said, "I have no idea." And, I didn't. There was nothing he could have said to me change my mind. Epidural it was.
I stopped running. I've missed runs on this training cycle, but I've not stopped one early. I usually suck it up and power through. Not on Wednesday. I started crying... yes, crying. Serves me right actually... I had just told someone that I had never cried while running. Only once have I even got choked up and that was when I was rounding the corner for my first sub-2 hour finish.
It's all about the why. Wanting to lose weight will not get me to the finish line. In fact, if that's all it was, it wouldn't even get me to the starting line. I was going to have to dig deeper to toe either line. Dad's advice that I always heard during the last week of each college semester, right during exams, started echoing through my head.
You can't win if you don't finish.
Luckily, I didn't hang around for my own pity party for too long. I realized that finishing a marathon and losing weight are two separate goals. And, they're two goals that I didn't work toward simultaneously. And, I still have the chance to achieve one of them even if the second goes on the back burner.
In the midst of my pity party, I did send a text to my nutritionist/running friend asking for some help after the marathon to get my eating back on track. And, I signed up for my next race - the Tybee Island Half Marathon in Tybee Island, Georgia. (Girls trip!!!!) I've also written down some eating and running goals in order to get the negative thoughts to stop thundering around in my head and to focus on something positive.
Bottom line, I sucked it up and trudged through the rest of my training week. Pity party over.
Here was the plan...
Monday - 0 (Plan = 0)
Tuesday - 0 (Plan = 7)
Wednesday - 3.5 (Plan = 0)
Thursday - 0 (Plan = 7)
Friday - 5 (Plan = 0)
Saturday - 14 (Plan = 0)
Sunday - 0 (Plan = 13)
By the way, Saturday was a treadmill run which was extremely boring, but also rewarding since it was 14 miles on the treadmill. Had some great entertainment along the way too. Here's Tom working on his handstand.
Glad to have this week, and the breakdown, in the books.
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